Do you ever find yourself there, standing on the precipice and it would just take one small step backwards….Something has brought you to this point, a broken dream, bad news, disillusionment about how you thought you life would be…or maybe the joy has left….whatever the reason, there we stand each with a choice to step or stay.
I find myself here to often. I close my eyes and prepare myself, thinking over all the reasons why I shouldn’t take that one step to finality. My greatest blessing was giving birth to my daughter 9 years ago, but the toll it has taken on my body since has added to my brokeness. It’s not her fault and I have no regrets and not all things I have gone through are a result of that but since then the pain, the medical procedures along with all my other dysfunctional luggage has me standing here right now…..once again…contemplating.
What keeps me here?
What always makes me take that step forward as opposed to backwards to live again? Sure, I could say all the rational ones, it’s selfish, my children…we all know the answers to that and yeah that does play a big part but the truth is….I am not ready to go….I stand here just pissed off I am so close to the edge….how do I fix myself? Will the pain emotional and physical ever be bearable?
It doesn’t matter.
It’s not my step to take.
My brother took that step at 35 years old and I have grieved his loss ever since.
You probably think that is my reason…..it could be one of them.
But I am going with the truth and the truth is God promises to never leave me….I can leave Him but that is that wonderful “choice” He has given all of us….He will never leave me…
I am holding God to that promise and I am going to try and stop running away so much.
So I am going to take that first step away from the ledge, will you join me? For so long my friends have been, Pain, Fear and Grief….We are pretty tight so I think they will stick around but some things are happening…their happening because I am allowing that healing to take place in my heart…..I have seen a couple of new people on the block, Hope and Renewal, they seem pretty cool.
I am sure this post may break the rules but don’t you think sometimes we just have to?? I feel so much better just sharing this and if there is is even one person standing on that precipice and decides to walk forward instead of back well then…join my hand and let’s proceed together.